RELATIONSHIPS
AND SEXUALITY
At Cornell and in every day life, we deal with many other people: professors, friends, lovers, and roommates. The way we choose to approach these situations depends on our personalities and preferences, none of which are necessarily right or wrong. However, relationships (including those with ourselves and our bodies) usually involve effort, whether we’re aware of it or not.
No matter what our romantic status may be, we are social beings who enjoy the company of others. Our friends can teach us new things, involve us in different activities, and introduce us to new worlds and other friends. Especially in a world where most of us will pair off with someone, it is reassuring, normal, and some might say essential to keep ties to the world outside of our romantic relationships through close friends. Intimate friends give us fresh perspectives and love, as long as we do the same.
When first coming to Cornell, we all want to stay as close as we can to our friends from high school. Initially, it seems like we can do just that. However, letter-writing, and phone calls can be time consuming and pricey; e-mail communication may be a more efficient option. When we recognize that coming to Cornell is entering a new phase of life (while our friends at home and at their respective schools are doing the same), we are better able to let go of the security of old friendships. Of course, we don’t stop communicating with old friends entirely, but the way in which we do changes dramatically. We no longer spend all day with a familiar circle of friends but instead adjust to roommates and hallmates. Later, it becomes easier to meet new people in sororities, organizations, sports teams, and jobs.
I once learned that new experiences are like U-curves. When you first get to a new place, everything is great and you’re on a “high.” After some time, though, you realize that you long for familiarity, and you get a little worn out from trying so hard to adjust. You want your close and best friends back! After this period, things pick up again and pretty soon the new place is just as familiar and more real than the old one. It’s good to know that getting a little depressed when everyone else seems so ecstatic about college is normal; everyone else just isn’t telling you that they get homesick, too.
— Art, Architecture and Planning ’97
In the first few months of campus life, you will inevitably meet many people—some of whom you may never see again until graduation. Don’t be alarmed if you don’t keep in touch or stay friends with everyone in your orientation group or the girl down the hall who seemed like the perfect friend. While many good friendships begin in the early weeks of freshman year, many more friendships fade. That’s normal; it takes time to figure out who you’re most compatible with.
One of your first potential friends is your roommate. A recent Cornell survey found that roommates who were good friends freshman year stayed that way up until their senior year. However, roommates who were not close friends but classified themselves as friends drifted apart. In the beginning, you and your roommate will probably spend a lot of time together because you have not had the opportunity to meet many other people. It’s only natural that you’ll each find your own group of friends with time.
No one ever said that making new friends is easy, even for the most out-going person. When the feeling of loneliness and friendlessness persists, however, we may need to talk to someone else. International students in particular may feel lonely. Cornell offers counseling services through EARS and Gannett; see the Health chapter for more information.
Is dating dead? How do you meet people? Can I just look the other way if I see an old hook-up? Am I the only lesbian here? Is it okay to not want to be with anyone right now?
At Cornell, there is a wide variety of sexual relationships. As our situations vary, from the celibate to the polygamous, so do our ideas about sex. Many of us may avoid sex before marriage or avoid oral and anal sex due to our religious, moral, or political beliefs. We need to remember that learning and being informed about these sexual activities is not an endorsement but rather an attempt to protect ourselves from STIs, HIV, and unwanted pregnancies. No matter how casual the relationship, if sexual activity is involved, we need to be aware of some health and safety aspects.
Thursdays
At night I close my eyes to feel his breath
So near and hot like the lucid lazy lamps.
His arms fold into waves and swallow me whole and I feel like Seth
Drowning in the summer sea except the cramps
Behold me and send my arms wailing in the stagnant air for help
And I miss his outstretched hand feeling it slip like silk
My sweaty palms and heavy breathing, gasping, pleading and
only kelp
I hold within my hand, white and placid wrinkled milk.
Consciousness regained, nothing lost, all remains still in the scorchingsky unknown.
I see him there wrapped in the folds within the sheets and my sweat
Drenching the cascades of green and paisley sheets, awake and
the wind has blown
My frightening images away from my head, warm embrace I let
His scent invade my skin and every pore and blemish transscend
into me
His eyes are open, pupils dilate and I take him in...willingly.
—Lisa Kunizaki, Ag & Life Sciences’97
Lovers may be women, men, physically challenged, old, young, and from any background. People may have many partners or be involved in monogamous relationships. Romantic relationships need not involve intercourse or sex. Being sexual with others covers a wide range of activities and reminds us that relationships involve many, many qualities beyond physical pleasure.
According to Gannett’s sources, a good checklist for determining how we each feel about sexual involvement includes the following:
1. Recognize your potential to be in a sexual relationship.
2. Learn to accept and appreciate this sexuality.
3. Anticipate and plan for responses to sexual advances or impulses before they happen.
4. Understand your personal and moral views on sex, and find out your partners’ feelings on the same issues.
5. Decide on a comfortable level of intimacy.
6. Discuss your conclusions with your partner, doing so when both of you are relaxed but not in the middle of a romantic interlude!
Discussing sex with a partner may not be easy or comfortable, but honest communication about safe sex is critical for your health and your relationships. We can bring up the topic by showing our partners public health literature that addresses the issues without making us verbalize them flat out. (As always, there are many resources at Gannett, from brochures and condoms to very friendly and helpful counselors.)
But what about those one-night hook-ups? Many of us may regret them; perhaps we were slightly intoxicated at the time and feeling less inhibited. [Of course, if we say “no” at any point and our wishes are not acknowledged, we may have been subject to rape or assault. See Protecting Ourselves chapter.] In casual sexual encounters, protection is absolutely vital. Keep in mind that oral contraceptives prevent pregnancy when used correctly, but they do not protect us from sexually transmitted infections.
I’m in a sexual relationship because I love her and love being close with her and making her feel good and letting her make me feel good. When I’m not in a sexual relationship, I long for one; I miss the intimacy and closeness.
As mentioned above, it is crucial that your partner understands where we you are coming from and what you expect or want sexually. If and when you choose to be sexual with someone else, you should also decide how to avoid sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy (see the Gynecological and Reproductive Health chapter!). Communication about every topic, including sex, is crucial for a healthy relationship. Anyone who takes a Communications class knows that there is verbal and non-verbal communication. Often, body language, whether we’re telling our partners that we’re upset or that we would like a massage, sends a more memorable message than words might.
I had to learn to get over the barriers and awkwardness about sexual communication. I do talk about sex with my lovers, but I get self-conscious. I don’t want to seem either embarrassed or too proud of my sexual experience.
We also owe it to ourselves to communicate about what we specifically want in sexual situations. If you tell your partner what s/he can do to heighten your enjoyment, both partners will get more satisfaction. Your partners will know that you are pleased, and that should please them, too. Of course, we need to respect others’ rights to refuse to perform certain acts, just as unsolicited force in any sexual encounter is dangerous and wrong.
I feel a little embarrassed to ask for what I want and usually try to use non-verbal communication, like putting myself in the right place.
I was very in love my first time and I have no regrets. I am still glad I made the choices I made. Two years later, he’s still the only one I want to be with.
The decision whether or not to become sexually active with another person is one that we all confront at some point in our lives. It is important to make the decision that will ensure your physical and emotional well-being. You have choices to make, and you are the only one who can make these decisions. It is your right to decide when sexual activity with another individual is right for you and if you are willing to accept the responsibility of the physical and emotional consequences. It is also your right to decide to stop sexual activity with another person for any reason, at any time. Abstinence is completely acceptable in a relationship; it does not mean a lack of sexual feelings, but a choice not to act on them.
I think I was as close to love as a 17 year old can be. We used protection, it was never an issue if we would or not...I felt as though sex had been hyped up way too much. It certainly wasn’t the earth shattering phenomenon I thought it would be. I had no regrets about it. We grew up together in our relationship and this was a part of it...
Many positives and negatives come with sexual relationships. Some issues you may want to consider are the degree of emotional commitment you want, as well as the exclusiveness of the relationship (i.e.: will you or your partner have other partners?). Other issues to consider include: risk of sexually transmitted infections, communication with your partner, and religious or moral beliefs. If you are in a heterosexual relationship, you need to consider birth control methods as well.
Communicating honestly about your needs, desires, and fears is perhaps the hardest part of a relationship. It helps to be as fully aware of your feelings as possible and be honest with yourself about them. It is important to express them with clarity and with no apologies to the men or women you are with. Pay close attention to the details of your partner’s possible needs, desires, and fears. Open, clear communication is the only way a couple can know if they can meet each other’s needs and desires.
ABSTINENCE
Whether or not you’re in a relationship, abstinence is always an option. Refraining from sexual activity does not necessarily mean not dating or not even having a steady partner. Perhaps you find yourself attaching too much to brief sexual encounters; perhaps you don’t have any sexual drive; perhaps you want to regroup. Although these all are temporary reasons for choosing abstinence, keep in mind that some people make abstinence a life-long practice. Abstinence is not necessarily a phase; it may very well be a deliberate choice. Whether abstinence is appropriate for a year of your life, your whole life, or not at all is entirely up to you.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OURSELVES: SELF-STIMULATION, SELF-SATISFACTION, AND MASTURBATION
Whether or not we are sexually active, most of us have some kind of sexual energy. Masturbation is a way of being sexual with ourselves by allowing us to explore our bodies, learn what kinds of touch arouse and please us, and learn our own patterns of sexual response. Some women feel guilty masturbating because they have been taught that it is not something “good girls should do.” However, it is a way for us to enjoy ourselves and can be a source of sexual freedom. Healthy sexual relationships begin with feeling good about yourself and your body.
Initially the experience of masturbation may feel awkward, and you may feel self-conscious, but these feelings generally change over time. Start by finding quiet time where you can feel comfortable with yourself. Some women enjoy a relaxing bath, soft music, or candles to put them in a sexually aroused mood. By relaxing our minds and exploring our bodies, we can learn more about ourselves and pleasure.
As women, we have many ways of masturbating, such as rubbing the clitoris, putting fingers in vaginas, and rubbing or stroking breasts or other body parts. Some women use a stream of water, a dildo, or an electric vibrator. (Interestingly, lovers may feel slightly intimidated by sex toys. You may need to reassure them sometimes) Experiment with what feels good. Change the pressure or timing, move your pelvis rhythmically, or change your breathing. One of the keys to reaching orgasm through masturbation is letting go of control and enjoying the sensations throughout the process; keep in mind that reaching orgasm is not a perennial finish line. Self-knowledge and self-awareness are as important as orgasm in masturbation.
We can also take advantage of a great tool: imagination. By engaging in fantasies and erotic storytelling, we can elevate our senses not only physically but emotionally. According to one woman, “Sexual imaging is about thinking in. I go totally inside. I empty my mind. It’s a spiritual space - quiet and light. The image is always a place where I can take care of myself. [Excitement at this point] is an expression of self-nourishment.” (From Women Who Love Sex) Self-nurturing begins with thumb-sucking, according to the book’s author, and evolves into taking care of our bodies and our minds.
ORGASM AND SEXUAL EXCITEMENT
Excitement is the physical response to appropriate sexual stimulation. At first, the blood vessels in the pelvis, vulva, and clitoris swell as they fill with blood. The vagina produces extra lubrication, the vaginal lips become wet, and tension increases throughout the body. Muscles begin to tense up, breathing may be more rapid, the heart beats faster, body temperature rises, and the nipples may become erect. Orgasm occurs in a series of involuntary contractions of the pelvic muscles and is followed by the perception of tension release.
Orgasms differ from person to person. They may be like ripples, intense feelings, a small sigh, or even an internal earthquake. Some of us experience feelings of sunshine, energy, love, and spirituality. Our sense of touch may be radically heightened. We can reach orgasm through masturbation, sexual activity, even just by holding hands. Orgasm, though interesting and often amazing, need not be the focus of love-making or even masturbation. Pressuring ourselves to “perform” in these situations makes sex a tense and uninviting experience.
Intercourse
When most people think of “sex,” their first thought is vaginal intercourse. If you’re concerned about contracting sexually transmitted diseases and/or getting pregnant, use protection. Condoms and other barrier methods are the only way, besides abstinence, to protect yourself against sexually transmitted infection.
For some women, heterosexual intercourse is not all that enjoyable. You are not alone if you find vaginal intercourse stifling, uninviting, or even uncomfortable. If you want to enjoy intercourse more (although you shouldn’t feel obliged to try to change your feelings) you can get information from Gannett on lubrication methods. Not everyone (heterosexual or not) enjoys vaginal intercourse, but there are a myriad of other ways of expressing yourself sexually and enjoying sex, whatever form it may take.
Oral Sex
There are quite a few words to describe this activity, cunningilus for women and fellatio for men being the least descriptive yet most proper. Some find oral sex to be the most intimate form of sexual activity, but others may be self-conscious about someone getting so close to their bodies. For those of us concerned with vaginal odor, remember that we all have perfectly natural odors. Strange smells may indicate a problem; consult a doctor. While oral sex eliminates most concerns about pregnancy in heterosexual interactions, all partners need to understand the importance of protection from STIs, which can still be transmitted orally. Condoms and dental dams are the way to go.
Anal Sex
Although anal sex is not a very safe form of sexual expression, many people find it satisfying. Men have sensitive prostate glands, and stimulation by finger or by penis is often pleasurable. Some women enjoy anal sex as well. Anal penetration can be done with a finger, a dildo, a sex toy, or a penis. The tissue of the anus, however, is lined with blood vessels and tears easily. Consequently, sexually transmitted infections are more communicable during anal sex than during vaginal intercourse. Always use protection and caution.
Variations...
The world of sex has a myriad of possibilities for the novice and the self-proclaimed “expert;” we know that there are a lot out there because sex is everywhere we look in society. Some of us use role-playing and fantasy in our sexual lives; others rely on fetishes for satisfaction. We may fantasize about leather or long hair, whips or whipped cream, music, or lingerie.
Browsing through the personals in, say, local newspapers reveal a wide array of options as well. Couples often seek a third person for a menage a trois; sometimes two or more couples consider an orgy or a masturbation circle to be an exciting endeavor. The more partners involved, the more risk the situation holds, since each participant brings to the activity all of the diseases of their former partners. We need to balance our desire for experimentation with a sense of caution and a serious consideration for safe alternatives.
At Cornell, we enjoy a wide representation of ethnicities, including many international students. We also enjoy a full spectrum of ideas and beliefs, including views on sexuality.
Sexuality has many facets, contexts, and connotations. Society, our family, and our experiences all have shaped our feelings about sexuality. In the past, women were condemned for enjoying sex or expressing their sexuality, while men were applauded. Even today, society presents us with conflicting images of women and sexuality: white women are virginal, women of color are animalistic and erotic, Asian women are passive, physically challenged women are asexual, and the list goes on. On the one hand, we are “sluts” and “whores” when we’re sexually active, but “prudes” when we choose abstinence.
Sex has become recreational, and is no longer purely procreational. However, this does not mean that recreational sex cannot turn into procreational sex. Those who choose to have sex for recreational purposes should take the time and responsibility to ensure that it does not become procreational. Though abortion is always an alternative to an unwanted pregnancy, there is a price to pay, both physical and emotional along with monetary.
— Engineering (male) ’97
As many of us learned in our pre-college years, promiscuity is not only unsafe but is also not an effective mechanism to gain popularity. Alternately, when refraining from sexual experience altogether, we may deny ourselves sources of pleasure. Just how much time and energy we put into our sexual lives is entirely up to each of us. Ignoring society’s dictates, we can see ourselves in a position to relish SAFE sexual encounters when we choose to do so. Our personal views on sexuality depend on our parents, religion, education, and most importantly, our feelings.
Today, the negative stereotypes and attitudes regarding our sexuality are beginning to change. Women are trying to eliminate the double standard that has plagued our sexual enjoyment by outwardly expressing our desires and needs, both in society and in bed.
For some of us, sexuality is a topic reserved solely for marriage and perhaps not even then, except as sexual intercourse as a duty. Certain religious traditions teach that sexuality is sacred. Others feel that God gave us sex to enjoy; at the same time, treating sex casually or exaggerating its importance is unhealthy. For those of us brought up with these views, discussions of sexuality may make us uncomfortable, and that’s fine.
In any case, most of us include sexuality as part of our full picture of health. We are all sexual beings who feel attractions and desires. We all have ways in which we enjoy being touched. Often “sex” and “being sexual” have exclusively meant intercourse. In reality, sexuality encompasses a wide range of feelings, experiences, and forms of expression. It includes sexuality with ourselves, masturbation, fantasies, heterosexual and homosexual relationships, sights, sounds, smells, and feelings. By exploring our sexuality we can learn about ourselves and our partners.
Gannett: University Health Services 255-5155
8:00 - 5:00 Monday - Friday during semesters
8:00 - 4:30 Monday - Friday during summer and intersession
• confidential counseling and medical services for women and men - lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, heterosexuals, and transgendered people.
• free confidential HIV testing and counseling
• routine gynecological care, annual exams, colposcopy and infection check-ups, sexual-assault examinations, sexually transmitted infection exams
• contraception, emergency contraception, pregnancy testing, counseling, and referrals for prenatal care, abortion, or adoption
• counseling for sexual harassment, rape, sexual identity, pregnancy, sexual dysfunction, and personal relationships
• moderately priced contraceptive prescriptions and over-the counter supplies
Planned Parenthood of Tompkins County 273-1513
314 West State Street
8:30 am-8:00 pm Monday-Thursday
8:00 am-4:00 pm Friday
www.sextalk.org
Medical Services 273-1513
• Annual exams, including Pap smears
• Birth control, pills and shots
• Emergency contraception
• Pregnancy testing
• Abortion services, medical and surgical
• Counseling
• STI testing and treatment
• HIV counseling and testing
• Safer sex supplies
• Sliding fee scale
Educational Resources 273-1526
• Sexuality education programs
• Professional training
• Sex information and resources
EARS
Empathy, Assistance and Referral Service 255-EARS
211 WSH
• provides confidential peer counseling
Places Of Interest:
Book Sales Gallery 272-9882
103 W. State Street
M-Sat. 10am-12 pm; Sun 1 pm-10 pm
• Adult toys- novelties, magazines, video tapes
References:
Ogden, Gina. Women Who Love Sex. Pocket: New York, 1994.
Boston Women’s Health Collective. The New Our Bodies, Ourselves. 1988.